Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Florida be like…
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!