Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
A friend helps you before you need it
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I love you to the refrigerator and back
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
