“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
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My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
The Joker was right
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying