Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.

Can’t. Being lazy.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I