“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
![]()
You Might Also Like
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
![]()
![]()
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
![]()
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”