Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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I need to update my racial profile.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
two people or more is called a problem
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.