Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
jesus, what did this guy do
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.