Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
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I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
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Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”