Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
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A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
And bowling should be called pinball
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.