Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”