Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk