Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor