Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
so much to do
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”