Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You Might Also Like
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
time machine? you mean a clock?
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.