Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish