Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?