Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
You Might Also Like
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya