Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Squirrels before girls.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

respect

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.