Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
well this is just bullshirt
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling