Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
What number SPF blocks people?
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Make me look younger
