Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
23. the denim jacket
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.