Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
live long and prosper!
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.