Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”

Dearest Emma,

The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.

Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.

War is hell.

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip