Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]