Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The human personality is made of five key elements
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.