Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”