Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
what?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.