Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
when my brother was at the height of his teenage boy gym phase he used to get a rotisserie chicken and sit out the front of the house sharing it with like 4 different cats and the neighbours dog. was actually very beautiful
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”