Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.