Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
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My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures