Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

[fancy restaurant]

ME: *combs my beard with a fork*

HER: what the hell man

ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.

Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

thanks auntie mary

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?

Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened