Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
