Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait