Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I’m confused about plants
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there