Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
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4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.