Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
You Might Also Like
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.