Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.