Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island

Wife: you mean deserted?

Me: no

ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Still my favourite meme.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.

Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.

You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work