Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Terribly Tuesday.

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!