Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
You Might Also Like
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.