Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
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Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade