Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
happy halloween
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!