Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
My kid said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”