Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
🐟✨ #re4
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.