Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
You Might Also Like
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.