Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
😎 🍻
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday