Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*calls bullshit

Bullshit: Who gave you my number.

This makes total sense…

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

lumberjacks will cut a birch

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

(Family Reunion)

Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?

Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.

Me: Any chance we can remove him again?

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

gender is a sprctrum