@Julian_Epp

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

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@specialhug

People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It’s called “proof-reading”. Perhaps you’ve hard of it

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

@TheSadnesses

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

@MomOnFire

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

@stephaniemain2

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

@mxmclain

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

@ATXBOSS

Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can

@ComedicBust

As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn’t say our wedding ones. Anyway, here’s my dog and I wearing hats

@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life