Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.