TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]
Me: say it
Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints