Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

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TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….


GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*


I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.


Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room

Obama: Joe be professional




TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?


[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]

Me: say it

Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism


I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”


[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?


I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints