People ask me the secret of a good tweet. It’s called “proof-reading”. Perhaps you’ve hard of it
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Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can
As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn’t say our wedding ones. Anyway, here’s my dog and I wearing hats
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life