Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand