Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

The first one, obviously

Whats O07s kink?

Bond-age.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

What the world needs now is love, sweet love…

And an extinction level asteroid.

A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?