nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please