nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.