nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
not for long
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.