“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive