“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…