“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
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Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
me, after any kind of buffet.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
dude it’s called proctologist
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools