Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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Tastes like chicken.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?