Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?

Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito