Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

No regrets in 2018

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Those three magical words:

“Where’s the plunger?”

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

only 11 steps left

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.