Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
You Might Also Like
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]