Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

i want enemies

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.