Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I’m crying im so happy for them
You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Sheer Arrogance”
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My life in a nutshell
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.