Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
💀💀
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that