Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
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One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.