Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.