Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.