Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
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Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
we squint at the sun because it’s bright
we squint at people because they are not…
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.