Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
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A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
reminder
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
#merica
Just once I’d like to be the DJ at an extravagant, subversive Goth masquerade ball and just throw on “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys when they least suspect it
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking