Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
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Batman: I’m going to adopt you, young teenager.
Robin: Great!
Batman: Here, put on these booty shorts.
Robin: Ummm….
Batman: Now, let’s do calisthenics together.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.