Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
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Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”