Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

Me: I just really want to kick this habit

Therapist: You want to kick nuns?

Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction

Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?

Me: punching nuns

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

road rage

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.