Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
life lately
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Support your local cemetery
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
me after drinking all the wine:
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache