Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
🐶😂
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I can fix him.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Muppet Screams
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
